The Art of Listening
Who would have thought that there would ever be a need for us to learn about listening?
Effective listening is such a great social skill, almost as much as being a charming and eloquent speaker. There’s something about engaging with someone who knows how to give and take in conversation, synergy, an elegant dance. Many times, we have all been talking to someone and realized that we aren’t even talking about the same thing. The person is speaking and listening to only themselves, and is taking none of your thoughts in. Many times, we have also spoken to someone who after the conversation, we feel a little lighter, a little seen and we feel engaged. We feel like we impacted them as much as they impacted us. That is relating, that is communication, that is conversation.
This realization made me pause, and think about listening a little more carefully. What this means, and what this entails. To truly listen. To truly take someone else in.
I took the liberty of searching up some synonyms of the word ‘listen’, and I found these: to pay attention, be attentive, concentrate on, hang on someone’s words, prick up one’s ears, tune in. Aren’t these all splendid examples that showcase the effort that goes into effective listening? From these definitions, we can deduce simple ways to improve our listening skills. The beautiful thing about skills is that we can improve upon them by conscious practice. We can all be better listeners if we choose to.
- Pay attention: To give someone your attention while they speak can look like, turning your body towards them to face them, looking them in the eyes ( you can glance away intermittently to show you are thoughtfully thinking about the things they are saying).
- Concentrate on: Quiet down any inner dialogue being prepared for when the speaker will stop speaking. Give yourself some time to give audience to what is being said. Plain acceptance, no judgement (yet). This gives you a brief moment to just let what is being said filter the air without any interjections.
- Hang on someone’s words: This should replace the inner dialogue we usually prep in rebuttal. Take mental notes to remember what the speaker is saying, so you can give their words back to them the way that you understood it. e.g. “you said this when you were speaking, is this what you meant?”. This is an energetic way to communicate to someone that what they said mattered to you, so you made an effort to remember it.
4. Tune In: This last one is felt more energetically. To put yourself in the emotional state of the speaker. Not fully of course, but to touch something close to that. If someone is speaking excitedly, letting their excitement rub off on you and letting it change your facial expression to a warm smile or chuckle. Allowing the emotional state of their speech to move you. If someone sounds somber, being able to furrow your eyebrows, lower your tone and lean in (as if to receive something vulnerable).
These are the main ways we can choose to show people that we are actively listening to what they tell us. Being an effective listener is truly beneficial in every way. It is great for building connections, and deepening those connections. Every person you meet wants to tell you about themselves because you are listening. You will be surprised how rare attentive listening can be. Choose to be one of the people with this rare quality, and you will leave an impression on everyone you meet.
I know that there are people who see someone who is finally listening to them, and they decide to talk their ears off but your active listening will let you perceive when this is happening and you can choose to end the conversation or stare the conversation in a different direction. “That’s an interesting thought. Can we continue this conversation at another time? Thank you!”
